American soil...

is quite possibly the best soil on earth.

there really is no place like home. and i'm thrilled to be back. or at least almost back. i'm currently sitting in chicago o'hare international airport. it's been quite the day, and i have to be honest and tell you all that i'm exhausted. but the adrenaline that's rushing through my system right now is covering it up enough so, so that i can write this blog.

but it's good to be home.

this morning as i said goodbye to becky, i wanted to jump back in the car and forget i even planned on leaving. it was too hard to look her in the eyes, let alone say those awful words. i just hugged her and told her i loved her. and then i turned and walked away without looking back. because i knew if i did, i would break down. and i needed to be strong this morning. not just for me, but for her too. so i just walked through the doors and down the train tracks.

and i miss her. so, so much.

we decided however that it wasn't goodbye for us. because we know that our friendship is more than just a few months of good laughs. we're closely knitted now, friends for life. and i trust that i'll see her again. in fact, i'm going to make sure it happens. because i can't live without her, and i refuse to try. so there.

ok, i'm done. i'm really tired and am comtemplating finding a quiet place to sit down and relax for a bit. this stool i'm sitting on is causing poor posture and my back is aching.

home sweet home, here i come.

the bigger picture

we all know that God has a bigger picture for our lives. that there are things we'll never understand, but they fit into the BP perfectly. things that seem unbelievable or unfair. but we know, we trust that God has a better plan for us, and our situations.

so why then, when the things i mentioned above happen, do we immediately ask "why?"? if as a Christian, we're aware of the truth that God is mysterious and works in ways we don't always comprehend, why do we question it? because we're human i suppose.

the reason i ask, is because i found myself questiong God this week in regards to a pretty amazing revelation in my life. why now? why not a month ago? why not before i made the decision to leave? and then i found myself being angry that i would question Him. i know there's a BP here, and i'm not seeing it for various reasons. but i have to trust that this is just another piece to the puzzle. this is another stroke of the brush that is the tapestry of my life. so then i started to wonder what it was He was trying to teach me through it. and that's where i'm at right now. what lesson is there to be found? what does He want me to learn through it?

those questions are not easily answered, but i'm anxious to see what the outcome is.

almost

it was almost enough to get me to stay.

this team, these amazing people i've had the unbelieveable opportunity to share my life with over the last four months. there are so many things i want to say to them, so many words that i can't get out. it makes me want to cry when i think about the possibility that i'll never seen any of them again.

if there's one thing i want people to know about my time here in england, is that God is working here. through this team, through the directors, through this camp. He's changing lives, and making a difference in this country. He's allowing this team to be a part of something big, something wonderful. and He allowed me to be a part of it as well. and for that i'll be forever thankful.

it's going to hurt walking away. i imagine i'll cry the entire train ride to manchester, and then more than likely the 10 hour flight home. i've been blessed to be here, and there are so many lessons learned here that i know i'll never forget this place. or these people. my goodness the people. i wish that everyone i love back home could meet all these people. because they changed my life. absolutely changed my life. God used them in a big way, and i don't know how to tell them that. how to share with them what they mean to me. how incredibly huge this whole thing has been for me. i want them to know, but i don't know how to tell them. i will be leaving a part of my heart here in england.

i wish that i knew what the future held, whether or not i would see these people again. but i know that it's not up to me to decide. so i'm just going to pray for them, and pray that someday our paths will cross again.

know that they mean the world to me. please.

York

I went to York on Monday with my friend Rachael and had an amazing time! Enjoy the pictures!!

little more than i can give, little more than i deserve.....

i've been thinking a lot this week about what it's going to be like to be home again. it seems like just yesterday that i was saying to my parents, "i'm going to england." and now i'm heading home again. craziness. absolute craziness.

i'm excited, but i'm not all at the same time. i want to go home, because i know it's what God wants. but at the same time i'm really going to miss this place. i love england, and i love the people here. i just need to remember that the time i've had here is a gift, and be thankful for it. it's so hard though. hard because i could've really loved it here i think. if i had been in a different place in my life, a different state of mind, i could've really loved it here. and maybe someday i will. maybe someday i'll come back to the oakes. maybe.

i hope so.


but if not, i know i can look back on the 4 months that i've been here and be thankful for it. be thankful that i was able to meet the people i've met, do the work i've done, and learn what i've learned.

anyways, i just needed to get that off my chest. don't know why, but i felt like i had to. i'm off to a dinner get together with rachael and tom. good stuff.

love you all. have a good week.

my favorite day

this is chatsworth
we are the four musketeers
sheep.
chatsworth, again
ice cream with the boys.

me and becky. the roommate.

i spent easter sunday with 3 of my favorite people in the world. and they'll never believe me when i say that to them. but they are. they've made this trip fun, and exciting. they've made me believe in the power of God, and they've changed my life. and i will miss them. more than i will ever be able to say. i wish i knew how to tell them that.

we had a great day of hanging out in the sun, eating ice cream, and genuinely enjoying each others presence. it was a day i'll never forget. i felt loved. and funny. they think i'm funny. i was reminded of what it means to be a friend. these 3 have secured a place in my heart forever.

they don't know this blog exists, but still, in case they come across it someday-

jonny- my easily amsued jonny. your laugh is contagious. and your love of the Lord is powerfully shining through you. thank you for your honesty, and realness. for not letting me get away with anything and for making sure you're understood in your beliefs. you've taught me a lot about what it means to have a conversation with someone and really get to know them.

evan- you make me want to be a better person. you challenge me, and you intrigue me. you frustrate me, but you make me laugh. thank you for never giving in to my whining. and for taking care of me when i needed it most. thank you for pushing me to be real with myself, and to trust God with all i have. your heart is the size of the ocean, and there is a girl out there who will be so lucky to have you one day. do it, evan.

and my becky, my dear sweet becky. i honestly can not fathom saying goodbye to you. so i won't. i'll say, "see ya soon". my heart can't take leaving you. you have been my confidant, my beach ball, my shoulder, my friend. and i can't even believe i'm leaving you. i hate myself for it most days. thank you for understanding, even though you don't understand. thank you for knowing me, for loving me, for opening up to me. thank you for all your laughs, hugs, smiles. you are beautiful, especially on those days when you just let go of all the crap around you and live life. you make being here worth it. i've never had a friend like you becky, and i don't think i ever will again. but i'll see you at Christmas. :)

easter 2007 was my favorite day.

wow.

i did not thinking that having an end date in mind would make things this hard. i want to finish well. i want to leave here knowing that i gave my all, even when i felt like i couldn't. i want to walk away from these people with them knowing i love them, and wanted to help as much as i could.

but getting out of bed this morning proved harder than it's been in weeks. the end is near for my time here. 20 days left. and i couldn't bear to spend enough time in the kitchen to make toast. i walked away from the kitchen feeling defeated before i even tried anything. in fact, i felt defeated when i woke up. so defeated in fact that i forced myself back to sleep, several times before ever actually getting out of bed. and that feeling has not left me. it's going to be a fake it til i make it day, and i'm not excited about that.

i'm housekeeping this week. meaning i have a team of people who are going to be looking to me for jobs. wanting to know from me, how they can help. and all i can think to say is "nothing". there's nothing anyone can do to help. and i want to tell them that, but no one will understand. no one will ever really understand. i'm not sure i even understand. all i know is that being here, with these people, doing these camps, has been an experience i'll not likely forget. even though i may want to. and today, i want to. i want to curl back up in bed and pretend like this isn't happening.

and now i'm just moaning just to moan. so i'm going to stop. i'm going to stop writing about how miserable i am. because in the grand scheme of things, these are all very minor woes, and i'm tired of feeling sorry for myself.

i hope you don't feel sorry for me. and if you do, don't.

here goes.

prayer

please keep me in your prayers. i'm so not ready for camp this week but i don't have much of a choice. thank you and i love you.

my written answer.

people are inevitably going to ask me why i came home early. and i've spent hours thinking of how i can answer without being too vague, and without rambling on and on. and the only answer i've come up with is that i can't come up with an answer that fits both requirements. because this isn't easy. it's not simple, and tidy, and compact. it's messy, all over the place, confusing, and a total disaster. it's illogical, and ludicrous. it's completely crazy, and yet in the midst of all the insanity, there's peace. and that's hard to explain in a few short words. or at least in a few short words in which people will be able to glean even a small amount of understanding from.

so i've changed my attitude about it. i've accepted the fact that people aren't going to understand. i've even somehow managed to wrap my head around the fact that people are going to tell me they support me and my decision, but will always think that i should've stayed. and, my least favorite, there are people who aren't going to trust me. people that think i've done this for less than noble reasons, selfish reasons even, and are going to be so disappointed in me. i realize that i can't please everyone all the time. i can't be everything to everyone. and i've tried and failed so many times, it amazes me that it's taken this long for me to finally accept it. but i have accepted it. and with that acceptance comes relief.

so far, peace and relief.

then there's the self doubt that seems to plague even the most firmly grounded people i know. it hit me like a brick wall today. feelings of inadequacy and fear. it was as if i was back in the livingroom where my first love told me he didn't love me anymore. my heart sank to the ground, and instead of recognizing the issues in the situation at hand, i immediately looked at myself. my shortcomings, my weaknesses, my failures. every single thing i had ever done to disappoint or hurt someone came flooding into my mind and for a moment i couldn't speak, or breathe. today i had that moment. i just knew that i wasn't making the right decision. that there was no way this could possibly be what God wants for me.

peace, relief, doubt....

and then i logged into my blog. looking at my list of posts, i saw one that i hadn't posted. and i remembered back to the day i had written it. it was not a good day that day. i was sad, and feeling a little lower than usual. nothing happened to set it off, it was just one of those days. i had been emailing my mom, and the last one i had sent asked her if she could just make the decision for me. her response, of course, was no she could not. at the end of her encouraging and thought provoking email, she urged me to ask God for a written answer. something i had never thought of doing. it seemed so basic. ask God to show me, in writing, the answer. i set my computer aside right then and opened up my Bible, hoping that He would do just that. and after a couple of chapters in 1 kings, 3 psalms and several other random selections, i was exactly where i'd started. answerless. i had no idea what i was going to do. so, in an effort to avoid thinking about it, i hopped onto myspace. it's amazing how many hours of a life myspace can take away from you, without you even realizing it. i knew it was the perfect distraction. as i read through various bulletins, added silly comments on my friends pages and sifted through blogs, i came across a blog that i hadn't read. i won't disclose the author of this blog, but she said something that was so unbelievably clear and pointed, i knew God was trying to tell me something.

"I couldn't breathe some days and I knew I had a choice. I was at a crossroad. I could either face the trial head on and do my best to serve the Lord in the way He created me to, or I could let the suffering swallow me whole and face a hardening heart all to avoid the possibility of failure."

it was in that moment that i knew what i had to do. i had to face this trial, these trials, head on. no more running, no more hiding. it was time to give all i had to Him. it would have been easier to let the suffering swallow me whole. swimming in my own self pity and misery had become second nature. it was what i had come to know. it was comfortable even, in all it's pain. but after reading this statement, i knew it was time to let God take me out of the mire. time to take action against all the things that were pulling me down.

peace, relief, doubt, and my written answer.

i can handle the doubt, because the other three are from my God. satan can take his doubt and eat it. i'm ready for this. scared as hell, but ready. bring it on.