To My Friends and Family,
March may have quite possibly been the longest month of my life! We had school camps in all month. Dobcroft, our first school, came in two parts. The first week I was in the kitchen, helping cook and serve food! It was definitely a learning experience. The second half of Dobcroft I was a dorm leader. I was nervous to be in a dorm with these kids because with school groups, we had to be extra careful with everything we said. We had to premise everything with “The Bible says...” or “Christians believe…” This was not as easy as I had hoped, and found myself in several situations where I had to backtrack and add those statements in. Ecclesall was our second school, which also came in two parts. The first camp I was on Support team, and was the only support team member! It basically meant that I was in the kitchen cooking, cleaning up after meals and serving, as well as cleaning toilets, running an activity and setting up archery and ropes. I was dreading that camp. It was going to be a long, hard week. But God provided and we had so many random people stop by to help out that it ended up being a pretty easy week. I was still tired, and ready for the weekend, but I had help. God is so good! This last week, I was dorm leading again. A dozen 8 and 9 years olds in one dorm can really be exhausting. Even if they are well behaved. But the week came and went and we all survived! The Gospel was shared and kids had fun.
School camps weren’t the only reason March was such a long month however. It was the month in which I had a decision to make. Back in January, I set March as a deadline to decide whether or not I was going to come home early. God started to reveal Himself to me in some pretty powerful ways, ways that really shook my world up. I wanted to give myself enough time to make sure that I was making a decision based on what I felt God was asking of me, not on my emotions. So I decided that 3 months was a good amount of time, and I spent that time in prayer, in His Word, and seeking Godly counsel. And I’ve come to the decision that coming home is what God wants for me. It’s the best choice. I know it seems absurd, and illogical, trust me I’ve thought that too. But since I’ve been here, there hasn’t been a peace in my heart at all. There’s been no joy in the ministry here. And I know that walking with Christ is not always happiness and sunshine. But I also know that God works in ways that we don’t always understand. I’m trusting that He’ll use this change in my life to bring glory to His name. And I ask that you trust that as well. Trust that God has spoken to my heart, and has given me a peace about leaving early. Trust that His name will be glorified through this somehow.
It has been an incredible, trying and intense experience for me here in England. Leaving early is not going to be easy. But I feel confident that this is what He wants of me. I am so thankful for your support through this time, and I pray you will see my heart, God’s heart in this.
In His love,
Kelly
Saturday, March 31, 2007
Saturday, March 24, 2007
let the tears fall down....
(i wrote this blog about a week ago, but wasn't ready to post it then. i am now)
i will cry myself to sleep tonight. again.
i said out loud tonight "i want to go home" in response to a conversation about the snow. the statement thrown back at me hurt more than any words have hurt in a long time.
"suck it up, kelly."
let's see how far we can twist the knife that's currently piercing my heart.
i've tried to suck it up. believe you me, i have. i hate crying. i'm so tired of it. it makes my face all puffy and red. it allows people to know what i'm feeling without sayng a word. it gives my team here all the more reason to avoid me, or even worse, pity me. but i can not honeslty help myself. i want to cry, all the time. i write this blog, with the fear that some of you may think the same thing my friend thought earlier tonight. or that you'll think of me with sadness, and feel sorry for me. please don't. i deserve all of this. i deserve to be aching, and in constant torment. i brought this all on myself. and for the first time, i'm going to fight it by myself. well, not totally by myself. i know i've got a God who is by my side. i'll let Him help. i've been seeking Godly counsel in some of my most respected and admired friends. but what this really comes down to is what God is speaking into my heart. no one can tell me what the right decision is. and i've been looking for that moment, when someone writes or says something, and in that i find my answer. i find my peace. and it hasn't happened.
as i opened my Bible tonight at church, i flipped to a page that was marked with a bright green post it note. the passage the note was on was 1 kings 19:11-12. it says this, "The Lord said, 'Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.' Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountain apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper." Another version says "a still small voice."
i've been looking for the wind, the earthquake, the fire. anticipating that God will change my heart, with a loud resounding voice that is clear and undeniable. all the while, i've been ignoring that still small voice. i heard that voice. months ago. before i even left to come here. and that voice was asking me a request, simple in theory, but more difficult than anything i had ever done before. i thought the only way i could possibly answer that request would be to do something big. something brave and courageous. and i'm finally able to admit that i wass wrong. and so, i've made a decision to listen to that still small voice. not the voices around me, not the ones in my head that tell me i'm a failure, that i'm not good enough, that no decision i make will end well. it's the voice that is telling me that i am loved, and is asking to be loved back. to be loved with every area of my life. not just the ones that are seen, but the ones that lie hidden deep beneath the surface. the ones i've been struggling to let go of. i know i've said i'll wait until the end of march to make a final decision, and although i feel like i've come to a decision, i continue to wait. i know our God is a God that works in the 11th hour. and i'm not closing the door to any possibilities. He's a God that can do anything and everything. that much i know. and if He chooses to change my heart, i'll let Him.
what, you may ask, does any of this have to do with crying? because i know, that no matter what decision i make, Satan will be there. ready to atttack me with doubt, fear, self loathing, and regret. and those things will make me cry. they make me cry now, as i write this. but in my heart of hearts i know my God has conquered these, and it's all just a step in the process of being His child.
i'll cry. because i'm human. and i'm not perfect. i'll cry because it hurts to know that people won't understand me. i'll cry because admitting to being wrong, having to face consequences, and preparing to break a commitment are not things i ever want to do. but i'll cry, knowing that somehow, God will make good of this. that somehow He'll be glorified through this.
i will cry myself to sleep tonight. again.
i said out loud tonight "i want to go home" in response to a conversation about the snow. the statement thrown back at me hurt more than any words have hurt in a long time.
"suck it up, kelly."
let's see how far we can twist the knife that's currently piercing my heart.
i've tried to suck it up. believe you me, i have. i hate crying. i'm so tired of it. it makes my face all puffy and red. it allows people to know what i'm feeling without sayng a word. it gives my team here all the more reason to avoid me, or even worse, pity me. but i can not honeslty help myself. i want to cry, all the time. i write this blog, with the fear that some of you may think the same thing my friend thought earlier tonight. or that you'll think of me with sadness, and feel sorry for me. please don't. i deserve all of this. i deserve to be aching, and in constant torment. i brought this all on myself. and for the first time, i'm going to fight it by myself. well, not totally by myself. i know i've got a God who is by my side. i'll let Him help. i've been seeking Godly counsel in some of my most respected and admired friends. but what this really comes down to is what God is speaking into my heart. no one can tell me what the right decision is. and i've been looking for that moment, when someone writes or says something, and in that i find my answer. i find my peace. and it hasn't happened.
as i opened my Bible tonight at church, i flipped to a page that was marked with a bright green post it note. the passage the note was on was 1 kings 19:11-12. it says this, "The Lord said, 'Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.' Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountain apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper." Another version says "a still small voice."
i've been looking for the wind, the earthquake, the fire. anticipating that God will change my heart, with a loud resounding voice that is clear and undeniable. all the while, i've been ignoring that still small voice. i heard that voice. months ago. before i even left to come here. and that voice was asking me a request, simple in theory, but more difficult than anything i had ever done before. i thought the only way i could possibly answer that request would be to do something big. something brave and courageous. and i'm finally able to admit that i wass wrong. and so, i've made a decision to listen to that still small voice. not the voices around me, not the ones in my head that tell me i'm a failure, that i'm not good enough, that no decision i make will end well. it's the voice that is telling me that i am loved, and is asking to be loved back. to be loved with every area of my life. not just the ones that are seen, but the ones that lie hidden deep beneath the surface. the ones i've been struggling to let go of. i know i've said i'll wait until the end of march to make a final decision, and although i feel like i've come to a decision, i continue to wait. i know our God is a God that works in the 11th hour. and i'm not closing the door to any possibilities. He's a God that can do anything and everything. that much i know. and if He chooses to change my heart, i'll let Him.
what, you may ask, does any of this have to do with crying? because i know, that no matter what decision i make, Satan will be there. ready to atttack me with doubt, fear, self loathing, and regret. and those things will make me cry. they make me cry now, as i write this. but in my heart of hearts i know my God has conquered these, and it's all just a step in the process of being His child.
i'll cry. because i'm human. and i'm not perfect. i'll cry because it hurts to know that people won't understand me. i'll cry because admitting to being wrong, having to face consequences, and preparing to break a commitment are not things i ever want to do. but i'll cry, knowing that somehow, God will make good of this. that somehow He'll be glorified through this.
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
an honest inquiry.
are feelings of unrest and discomfort always meant to be persevered through, or is it possible that they are there to encourage a change in circumstances?
does serving out of obligation become sinful, and where's the line?
would leaving a mission early and breaking a commitment ever be something God would ask someone to do?
is there always right or wrong? or can it just be that one choice is just different than the other?
fear of failing and pressure to impress are not from God, so why does it seem like so many of us feel those things in regards to God?
if you're simply going through the motions, are you truly serving with a servants heart?
ok. so there's more than one inquiry. but they were on my mind. and in order to sleep tonight, i had to get them out there.
does serving out of obligation become sinful, and where's the line?
would leaving a mission early and breaking a commitment ever be something God would ask someone to do?
is there always right or wrong? or can it just be that one choice is just different than the other?
fear of failing and pressure to impress are not from God, so why does it seem like so many of us feel those things in regards to God?
if you're simply going through the motions, are you truly serving with a servants heart?
ok. so there's more than one inquiry. but they were on my mind. and in order to sleep tonight, i had to get them out there.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
so sorry
sorry i haven't written for awhile.
i feel like my last post was so open, so unbelievably right down into the heart of me, that i'm still recovering from even typing the words.
i'm hurting right now. and it's hard for me to think of anything else. i know i need to focus, try and push through the sadness, but it's not as easy as i thought it would be.
i'm working on it, but it's difficult for me to trust Him. trust that what He's speaking to my heart is really from Him. that it's the right choice.
anyways, i just wanted to post and let you all know that i'm still here. i'm still alive. and i'm still waiting. waiting on Him, before i make a final decision. theres still time.
i love you all.
i feel like my last post was so open, so unbelievably right down into the heart of me, that i'm still recovering from even typing the words.
i'm hurting right now. and it's hard for me to think of anything else. i know i need to focus, try and push through the sadness, but it's not as easy as i thought it would be.
i'm working on it, but it's difficult for me to trust Him. trust that what He's speaking to my heart is really from Him. that it's the right choice.
anyways, i just wanted to post and let you all know that i'm still here. i'm still alive. and i'm still waiting. waiting on Him, before i make a final decision. theres still time.
i love you all.
Thursday, March 8, 2007
truth.
here it is. my heart, open and wounded before you. the innermost thoughts in my head laid out in words. words that cannot fully describe what's going on with me. but i need to get it out there. i need to take this burden off my shoulders and put it somewhere else. i'm learning to be open, and in order to do so, i have to confess.
my previous entries have made my trip here to england seem wonderful, and exciting, and fun. unfortunately, i've never hurt as much or as deeply since i've been here. and i've covered it up. i wrote what i thought you would want to hear. not the truth. not the whole truth anyways....
i'm considering coming home earlier than september. i haven't been at peace here since i got here. but coming here made me realize a few truths about myself. the first is that i came here to escape. i needed an excuse to get away from the person i was becoming. someone who was living a double life. i found myself lying to just about everyone in my life about who i was. but i thought that if i could hide myself in ministry, no one would ever find out. i was drinking, a lot, and was doing things i'm not proud of. alcohol had suddenly taken control of me, and i was afraid of where i was headed. i needed to get out, and i knew God was calling me back to Him. but i didn't know how to fix the mess i made. so instead of just turning around into His arms, i ran. fast and hard. before i knew it, i was here. i didn't come here because i thought God was calling me. i came here because i didn't know what else to do.
the second thing i've realized about who i am, is that i desire to please people so intensely that i am almost willing to continue being miserable here just so i won't disappoint anyone. i don't want you to think of me as a quitter, or a failure. i know that i shouldn't rely so heavily on what other people think, but i do. i've been working with children for years because i was "good" at it. because it's what people expected of me. i find no joy in kids here. i had a good weekend last weekend, yes, but it's mostly because the kids were well behaved. if i have conflict with the kids, i'm miserable. i don't walk away from those times feeling like i've grown. at all. and so this is my dilemma.
i've made a commitment to stay until september. so do i keep the commitment, feeling awful, simply because i don't want to disappoint people? or do i come home, and face the fact that i've got to be able to live in the real world as His child, and not run away everytime things get rough? it was really easy for me to get on that plane, and it would be easy for me to stay here. it's what i've been doing for so long that i can easily crawl inside myself and stick this out numb, and unfeeling. or i can come home and face the fears of being a failure in the eyes of men, and start really living my life for Him as a choice rather than an expectation. i just don't know what to do. it's literally back and forth in my head all the time. i'm going crazy here. i've given myself until the end of march to make a final decision. i can't wait for decision day to come. so that i can just make a choice and move on with my life. i've been seeking Him through His word and prayer. i want to make the right decision, what He wants for me. and right now i'm not sure what that is.
one thing i want people to know is that it has nothing to do with this place. i love the oakes, and the team. i think the ministry is amazing, and the people that are lovely. i get on well with everyone, and i have a good time with them. i just don't think i can keep hiding behind this place, behind ministry anymore. my heart's not in it, and it's not fair to the team, or my supporters for me to be here serving without a passion for it. i'm afraid i'll end up resenting it, and i don't want that to happen.
so there you have it. my heart, poured out.
forgive me for not being totally honest from the start.
my previous entries have made my trip here to england seem wonderful, and exciting, and fun. unfortunately, i've never hurt as much or as deeply since i've been here. and i've covered it up. i wrote what i thought you would want to hear. not the truth. not the whole truth anyways....
i'm considering coming home earlier than september. i haven't been at peace here since i got here. but coming here made me realize a few truths about myself. the first is that i came here to escape. i needed an excuse to get away from the person i was becoming. someone who was living a double life. i found myself lying to just about everyone in my life about who i was. but i thought that if i could hide myself in ministry, no one would ever find out. i was drinking, a lot, and was doing things i'm not proud of. alcohol had suddenly taken control of me, and i was afraid of where i was headed. i needed to get out, and i knew God was calling me back to Him. but i didn't know how to fix the mess i made. so instead of just turning around into His arms, i ran. fast and hard. before i knew it, i was here. i didn't come here because i thought God was calling me. i came here because i didn't know what else to do.
the second thing i've realized about who i am, is that i desire to please people so intensely that i am almost willing to continue being miserable here just so i won't disappoint anyone. i don't want you to think of me as a quitter, or a failure. i know that i shouldn't rely so heavily on what other people think, but i do. i've been working with children for years because i was "good" at it. because it's what people expected of me. i find no joy in kids here. i had a good weekend last weekend, yes, but it's mostly because the kids were well behaved. if i have conflict with the kids, i'm miserable. i don't walk away from those times feeling like i've grown. at all. and so this is my dilemma.
i've made a commitment to stay until september. so do i keep the commitment, feeling awful, simply because i don't want to disappoint people? or do i come home, and face the fact that i've got to be able to live in the real world as His child, and not run away everytime things get rough? it was really easy for me to get on that plane, and it would be easy for me to stay here. it's what i've been doing for so long that i can easily crawl inside myself and stick this out numb, and unfeeling. or i can come home and face the fears of being a failure in the eyes of men, and start really living my life for Him as a choice rather than an expectation. i just don't know what to do. it's literally back and forth in my head all the time. i'm going crazy here. i've given myself until the end of march to make a final decision. i can't wait for decision day to come. so that i can just make a choice and move on with my life. i've been seeking Him through His word and prayer. i want to make the right decision, what He wants for me. and right now i'm not sure what that is.
one thing i want people to know is that it has nothing to do with this place. i love the oakes, and the team. i think the ministry is amazing, and the people that are lovely. i get on well with everyone, and i have a good time with them. i just don't think i can keep hiding behind this place, behind ministry anymore. my heart's not in it, and it's not fair to the team, or my supporters for me to be here serving without a passion for it. i'm afraid i'll end up resenting it, and i don't want that to happen.
so there you have it. my heart, poured out.
forgive me for not being totally honest from the start.
Monday, March 5, 2007
February Review
To My Friends and Family,
February. Wow. I can’t believe it’s already gone! Time really does fly.
This last month was quite a roller coaster for me. We started off with our first “official” camp over the first weekend. It was our last camp with one of our team members called Sara. She is from California, and had been here since September. She was heading home, ready to get back into the routine of a normal life.
Sara asked me to go to London with her, and I jumped on the opportunity. So, an hour after the kids left on Sunday, Sara and I hopped on a bus and 4 hours later were hauling her luggage up and down the stairs of the Underground. We stayed with some friends of Sara’s, who were kind enough to let us crash on their couches for a couple of nights. Monday was spent being tourists, riding the red double decker bus, seeing all the big sights in London, eating lunch in a pub, and enjoying the cold rain! We had a great time taking in all the sights from the safety of the covered part of the bus, and laughed about how ridiculous it was to be a tourist in February! We enjoyed ourselves though, until Tuesday when I went with her to the airport. It was hard to say goodbye, even though I’d only known her a short while. I miss her, but I know she’s where God wants her to be.
Tuesday evening I took another 4 hour bus ride back into Sheffield, and headed straight into a half term camp. We had 52 kids come in and stay until Friday evening. The camp was a lot of work. I was on support team, so I basically spent most of my time sweeping, washing up after meals and scrubbing toilets. We had a rowdy group of kids, but they all seemed to really enjoy their stay with us. We heard some amazing stories of kids coming to know Christ and others being encouraged to be bolder with their faith. Overall it was a great week.
Friday evening I went with Danielle up to Newcastle, another bus ride. This time though, it only took two and half hours and we were there. Saturday we went into Durham and met up with a former Oakes team member for lunch. After lunch we visited the Durham Cathedral, which was absolutely gorgeous. Sunday through Tuesday, aside from church service Sunday morning, were spent laying on the couches at Danielle’s house and eating until we couldn’t breathe. We came back Tuesday evening and went back to work on Thursday, with just enough time for the last camp of the month.
We’ll call this camp the “Test of Kelly’s Patience Camp”. We had a group of 12 girls that pushed every button Becky, my co-dorm leader and I had. They tested every limit and made sure we knew that they were not going to listen to anything we had to say. They became divided within the dorm, and as a result lost their late night dorm treat for being mean to one another. Dorm times were difficult, seeing as how the girls wouldn’t stop talking long enough to hear what anyone else had to say. They spoke over each other, over us, and about irrelevant things. It was a trying weekend for me. I learned a very hard lesson in grace that weekend, realizing that not all children were going to be as respectful and loving as the kids at theRockEternal are. Needless to say, when I found out I would be dorm leading again the following weekend I was not excited.
And then in walked the 11-15 year olds. The girls that reminded me of why I work with youth. You’ll hear more about them in my March update letter, but as a teaser, just know that God revealed Himself to me in the most amazing ways this last weekend. He gently showed me, again, how loving and kind He is. He gave me a group of girls that shook my world up, and gave me a reason to smile again.
Well, this letter has by far exceeded the length it should have, so I’ll close with this. February was a month of ups and downs, both of which I’m extremely grateful for. I’m learning daily about His provision, love and grace. It’s amazing to see how God takes our circumstances and teaches us through them.
I pray you are all well. I love and miss you.
In His love,
Kelly Hageman
February. Wow. I can’t believe it’s already gone! Time really does fly.
This last month was quite a roller coaster for me. We started off with our first “official” camp over the first weekend. It was our last camp with one of our team members called Sara. She is from California, and had been here since September. She was heading home, ready to get back into the routine of a normal life.
Sara asked me to go to London with her, and I jumped on the opportunity. So, an hour after the kids left on Sunday, Sara and I hopped on a bus and 4 hours later were hauling her luggage up and down the stairs of the Underground. We stayed with some friends of Sara’s, who were kind enough to let us crash on their couches for a couple of nights. Monday was spent being tourists, riding the red double decker bus, seeing all the big sights in London, eating lunch in a pub, and enjoying the cold rain! We had a great time taking in all the sights from the safety of the covered part of the bus, and laughed about how ridiculous it was to be a tourist in February! We enjoyed ourselves though, until Tuesday when I went with her to the airport. It was hard to say goodbye, even though I’d only known her a short while. I miss her, but I know she’s where God wants her to be.
Tuesday evening I took another 4 hour bus ride back into Sheffield, and headed straight into a half term camp. We had 52 kids come in and stay until Friday evening. The camp was a lot of work. I was on support team, so I basically spent most of my time sweeping, washing up after meals and scrubbing toilets. We had a rowdy group of kids, but they all seemed to really enjoy their stay with us. We heard some amazing stories of kids coming to know Christ and others being encouraged to be bolder with their faith. Overall it was a great week.
Friday evening I went with Danielle up to Newcastle, another bus ride. This time though, it only took two and half hours and we were there. Saturday we went into Durham and met up with a former Oakes team member for lunch. After lunch we visited the Durham Cathedral, which was absolutely gorgeous. Sunday through Tuesday, aside from church service Sunday morning, were spent laying on the couches at Danielle’s house and eating until we couldn’t breathe. We came back Tuesday evening and went back to work on Thursday, with just enough time for the last camp of the month.
We’ll call this camp the “Test of Kelly’s Patience Camp”. We had a group of 12 girls that pushed every button Becky, my co-dorm leader and I had. They tested every limit and made sure we knew that they were not going to listen to anything we had to say. They became divided within the dorm, and as a result lost their late night dorm treat for being mean to one another. Dorm times were difficult, seeing as how the girls wouldn’t stop talking long enough to hear what anyone else had to say. They spoke over each other, over us, and about irrelevant things. It was a trying weekend for me. I learned a very hard lesson in grace that weekend, realizing that not all children were going to be as respectful and loving as the kids at theRockEternal are. Needless to say, when I found out I would be dorm leading again the following weekend I was not excited.
And then in walked the 11-15 year olds. The girls that reminded me of why I work with youth. You’ll hear more about them in my March update letter, but as a teaser, just know that God revealed Himself to me in the most amazing ways this last weekend. He gently showed me, again, how loving and kind He is. He gave me a group of girls that shook my world up, and gave me a reason to smile again.
Well, this letter has by far exceeded the length it should have, so I’ll close with this. February was a month of ups and downs, both of which I’m extremely grateful for. I’m learning daily about His provision, love and grace. It’s amazing to see how God takes our circumstances and teaches us through them.
I pray you are all well. I love and miss you.
In His love,
Kelly Hageman
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