here it is. my heart, open and wounded before you. the innermost thoughts in my head laid out in words. words that cannot fully describe what's going on with me. but i need to get it out there. i need to take this burden off my shoulders and put it somewhere else. i'm learning to be open, and in order to do so, i have to confess.
my previous entries have made my trip here to england seem wonderful, and exciting, and fun. unfortunately, i've never hurt as much or as deeply since i've been here. and i've covered it up. i wrote what i thought you would want to hear. not the truth. not the whole truth anyways....
i'm considering coming home earlier than september. i haven't been at peace here since i got here. but coming here made me realize a few truths about myself. the first is that i came here to escape. i needed an excuse to get away from the person i was becoming. someone who was living a double life. i found myself lying to just about everyone in my life about who i was. but i thought that if i could hide myself in ministry, no one would ever find out. i was drinking, a lot, and was doing things i'm not proud of. alcohol had suddenly taken control of me, and i was afraid of where i was headed. i needed to get out, and i knew God was calling me back to Him. but i didn't know how to fix the mess i made. so instead of just turning around into His arms, i ran. fast and hard. before i knew it, i was here. i didn't come here because i thought God was calling me. i came here because i didn't know what else to do.
the second thing i've realized about who i am, is that i desire to please people so intensely that i am almost willing to continue being miserable here just so i won't disappoint anyone. i don't want you to think of me as a quitter, or a failure. i know that i shouldn't rely so heavily on what other people think, but i do. i've been working with children for years because i was "good" at it. because it's what people expected of me. i find no joy in kids here. i had a good weekend last weekend, yes, but it's mostly because the kids were well behaved. if i have conflict with the kids, i'm miserable. i don't walk away from those times feeling like i've grown. at all. and so this is my dilemma.
i've made a commitment to stay until september. so do i keep the commitment, feeling awful, simply because i don't want to disappoint people? or do i come home, and face the fact that i've got to be able to live in the real world as His child, and not run away everytime things get rough? it was really easy for me to get on that plane, and it would be easy for me to stay here. it's what i've been doing for so long that i can easily crawl inside myself and stick this out numb, and unfeeling. or i can come home and face the fears of being a failure in the eyes of men, and start really living my life for Him as a choice rather than an expectation. i just don't know what to do. it's literally back and forth in my head all the time. i'm going crazy here. i've given myself until the end of march to make a final decision. i can't wait for decision day to come. so that i can just make a choice and move on with my life. i've been seeking Him through His word and prayer. i want to make the right decision, what He wants for me. and right now i'm not sure what that is.
one thing i want people to know is that it has nothing to do with this place. i love the oakes, and the team. i think the ministry is amazing, and the people that are lovely. i get on well with everyone, and i have a good time with them. i just don't think i can keep hiding behind this place, behind ministry anymore. my heart's not in it, and it's not fair to the team, or my supporters for me to be here serving without a passion for it. i'm afraid i'll end up resenting it, and i don't want that to happen.
so there you have it. my heart, poured out.
forgive me for not being totally honest from the start.
2 comments:
These are great and important realizations you are having, Kelly. Don’t feel ashamed about them. Everybody comes to a point in their lives when they have reached the end of their ropes. That is ok.
It would seem to me that you are undergoing a huge growing spurt. I bet you think I’m taking crazy pills right now but I think it’s true. I know that this whole trip really hasn’t been much fun for you but I can see God’s fingerprints all over it.
I believe that a big part of maturity is learning to see life for what it is and to see ourselves for who we really are. It sounds like you were living according to the plans of other people. It sounds like you’re getting to know yourself a little better and may even be getting an idea of what God really has in mind for your life. How cool is that?!?
God has used this trip to break into your life and show you some really profound things. God will discipline those whom He loves (key word: loves). He’ll give you small pain now to avoid big pain later. But He loves you and will do all He can to bring you close.
During my trip to Romania, I discovered that almost every one of us Americans had signed up because we wanted to be healed. We didn’t know that at the time, but that was our true desire. We felt an emptiness inside that needed meaning and purpose. Going to a far-away land to do ministry sounded like cure we needed until we got there; sometimes service sucks. That proverbial God-shaped hole wasn’t filled with anything but anger and frustration. Serving was an afterthought and missions were even further from our minds than that. Some of us really needed counseling and not dozens of Romanian kids demanding our time and attention. I have learned so much in reflection but it was tough at the time. God used it to really shake things up for me. Perhaps He’s doing the same for you too. Serving God is great, but I think we do it because we like the idea of serving and not because we are madly in love with Jesus. We end up doing it for ourselves rather than doing it out of a desire to see people come to know Christ.
So don’t think of this trip as a mistake. Look at it as a turning point. God is always with you. I support any decision you make.
--Cody
Your honesty is entirely refreshing.
praise God for what He is showing you here.
Know that I love you regardless of your decision. I have been praying that you would be sensitive to the Holy Spirit, and it looks like you are.
Don't stress about the decision. Make it, and stick with it when the day comes.
Please be praying for me as well. I'm @ 45% raised for Sweden, and I'm getting more excited by the day.
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