let the tears fall down....

(i wrote this blog about a week ago, but wasn't ready to post it then. i am now)

i will cry myself to sleep tonight. again.

i said out loud tonight "i want to go home" in response to a conversation about the snow. the statement thrown back at me hurt more than any words have hurt in a long time.

"suck it up, kelly."

let's see how far we can twist the knife that's currently piercing my heart.

i've tried to suck it up. believe you me, i have. i hate crying. i'm so tired of it. it makes my face all puffy and red. it allows people to know what i'm feeling without sayng a word. it gives my team here all the more reason to avoid me, or even worse, pity me. but i can not honeslty help myself. i want to cry, all the time. i write this blog, with the fear that some of you may think the same thing my friend thought earlier tonight. or that you'll think of me with sadness, and feel sorry for me. please don't. i deserve all of this. i deserve to be aching, and in constant torment. i brought this all on myself. and for the first time, i'm going to fight it by myself. well, not totally by myself. i know i've got a God who is by my side. i'll let Him help. i've been seeking Godly counsel in some of my most respected and admired friends. but what this really comes down to is what God is speaking into my heart. no one can tell me what the right decision is. and i've been looking for that moment, when someone writes or says something, and in that i find my answer. i find my peace. and it hasn't happened.

as i opened my Bible tonight at church, i flipped to a page that was marked with a bright green post it note. the passage the note was on was 1 kings 19:11-12. it says this, "The Lord said, 'Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.' Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountain apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper." Another version says "a still small voice."

i've been looking for the wind, the earthquake, the fire. anticipating that God will change my heart, with a loud resounding voice that is clear and undeniable. all the while, i've been ignoring that still small voice. i heard that voice. months ago. before i even left to come here. and that voice was asking me a request, simple in theory, but more difficult than anything i had ever done before. i thought the only way i could possibly answer that request would be to do something big. something brave and courageous. and i'm finally able to admit that i wass wrong. and so, i've made a decision to listen to that still small voice. not the voices around me, not the ones in my head that tell me i'm a failure, that i'm not good enough, that no decision i make will end well. it's the voice that is telling me that i am loved, and is asking to be loved back. to be loved with every area of my life. not just the ones that are seen, but the ones that lie hidden deep beneath the surface. the ones i've been struggling to let go of. i know i've said i'll wait until the end of march to make a final decision, and although i feel like i've come to a decision, i continue to wait. i know our God is a God that works in the 11th hour. and i'm not closing the door to any possibilities. He's a God that can do anything and everything. that much i know. and if He chooses to change my heart, i'll let Him.

what, you may ask, does any of this have to do with crying? because i know, that no matter what decision i make, Satan will be there. ready to atttack me with doubt, fear, self loathing, and regret. and those things will make me cry. they make me cry now, as i write this. but in my heart of hearts i know my God has conquered these, and it's all just a step in the process of being His child.

i'll cry. because i'm human. and i'm not perfect. i'll cry because it hurts to know that people won't understand me. i'll cry because admitting to being wrong, having to face consequences, and preparing to break a commitment are not things i ever want to do. but i'll cry, knowing that somehow, God will make good of this. that somehow He'll be glorified through this.