my written answer.

people are inevitably going to ask me why i came home early. and i've spent hours thinking of how i can answer without being too vague, and without rambling on and on. and the only answer i've come up with is that i can't come up with an answer that fits both requirements. because this isn't easy. it's not simple, and tidy, and compact. it's messy, all over the place, confusing, and a total disaster. it's illogical, and ludicrous. it's completely crazy, and yet in the midst of all the insanity, there's peace. and that's hard to explain in a few short words. or at least in a few short words in which people will be able to glean even a small amount of understanding from.

so i've changed my attitude about it. i've accepted the fact that people aren't going to understand. i've even somehow managed to wrap my head around the fact that people are going to tell me they support me and my decision, but will always think that i should've stayed. and, my least favorite, there are people who aren't going to trust me. people that think i've done this for less than noble reasons, selfish reasons even, and are going to be so disappointed in me. i realize that i can't please everyone all the time. i can't be everything to everyone. and i've tried and failed so many times, it amazes me that it's taken this long for me to finally accept it. but i have accepted it. and with that acceptance comes relief.

so far, peace and relief.

then there's the self doubt that seems to plague even the most firmly grounded people i know. it hit me like a brick wall today. feelings of inadequacy and fear. it was as if i was back in the livingroom where my first love told me he didn't love me anymore. my heart sank to the ground, and instead of recognizing the issues in the situation at hand, i immediately looked at myself. my shortcomings, my weaknesses, my failures. every single thing i had ever done to disappoint or hurt someone came flooding into my mind and for a moment i couldn't speak, or breathe. today i had that moment. i just knew that i wasn't making the right decision. that there was no way this could possibly be what God wants for me.

peace, relief, doubt....

and then i logged into my blog. looking at my list of posts, i saw one that i hadn't posted. and i remembered back to the day i had written it. it was not a good day that day. i was sad, and feeling a little lower than usual. nothing happened to set it off, it was just one of those days. i had been emailing my mom, and the last one i had sent asked her if she could just make the decision for me. her response, of course, was no she could not. at the end of her encouraging and thought provoking email, she urged me to ask God for a written answer. something i had never thought of doing. it seemed so basic. ask God to show me, in writing, the answer. i set my computer aside right then and opened up my Bible, hoping that He would do just that. and after a couple of chapters in 1 kings, 3 psalms and several other random selections, i was exactly where i'd started. answerless. i had no idea what i was going to do. so, in an effort to avoid thinking about it, i hopped onto myspace. it's amazing how many hours of a life myspace can take away from you, without you even realizing it. i knew it was the perfect distraction. as i read through various bulletins, added silly comments on my friends pages and sifted through blogs, i came across a blog that i hadn't read. i won't disclose the author of this blog, but she said something that was so unbelievably clear and pointed, i knew God was trying to tell me something.

"I couldn't breathe some days and I knew I had a choice. I was at a crossroad. I could either face the trial head on and do my best to serve the Lord in the way He created me to, or I could let the suffering swallow me whole and face a hardening heart all to avoid the possibility of failure."

it was in that moment that i knew what i had to do. i had to face this trial, these trials, head on. no more running, no more hiding. it was time to give all i had to Him. it would have been easier to let the suffering swallow me whole. swimming in my own self pity and misery had become second nature. it was what i had come to know. it was comfortable even, in all it's pain. but after reading this statement, i knew it was time to let God take me out of the mire. time to take action against all the things that were pulling me down.

peace, relief, doubt, and my written answer.

i can handle the doubt, because the other three are from my God. satan can take his doubt and eat it. i'm ready for this. scared as hell, but ready. bring it on.