wow.

i did not thinking that having an end date in mind would make things this hard. i want to finish well. i want to leave here knowing that i gave my all, even when i felt like i couldn't. i want to walk away from these people with them knowing i love them, and wanted to help as much as i could.

but getting out of bed this morning proved harder than it's been in weeks. the end is near for my time here. 20 days left. and i couldn't bear to spend enough time in the kitchen to make toast. i walked away from the kitchen feeling defeated before i even tried anything. in fact, i felt defeated when i woke up. so defeated in fact that i forced myself back to sleep, several times before ever actually getting out of bed. and that feeling has not left me. it's going to be a fake it til i make it day, and i'm not excited about that.

i'm housekeeping this week. meaning i have a team of people who are going to be looking to me for jobs. wanting to know from me, how they can help. and all i can think to say is "nothing". there's nothing anyone can do to help. and i want to tell them that, but no one will understand. no one will ever really understand. i'm not sure i even understand. all i know is that being here, with these people, doing these camps, has been an experience i'll not likely forget. even though i may want to. and today, i want to. i want to curl back up in bed and pretend like this isn't happening.

and now i'm just moaning just to moan. so i'm going to stop. i'm going to stop writing about how miserable i am. because in the grand scheme of things, these are all very minor woes, and i'm tired of feeling sorry for myself.

i hope you don't feel sorry for me. and if you do, don't.

here goes.